Survival

The Thing About Men I’m Afraid Of In A Culture Where No One Dates

Im always paranoid humen are going to think Im falling in love with them. Because, I dont know, isnt that a thing they are always guessing? Arent they, at some phase in their collective youths, imbued with this community dread? That women only want to love them in order to take something away from them. That there is freedom that exists only in the stark contrast of feminine love and that our wiles exist to woo you to the dark side.

The nightmare is that you wake up one day and you are middle aged and you are chained to cinderblocks in the form of a nagging spouse and kids and a mortgage that means you really cant do anything to save yourself.

Maybe Im projecting.

Maybe I have just had a lot of debates with men who have always guessed I was falling in love with them. And theres nothing that they are able to make a mark on your subconsciou like arguing with someone about whether the style you feel is silly. Or that they know more than you do about the route that* “youre feeling” .*

I dont know what other people expect from me, or what they want. I know the route my whole body feels when I appreciate person for what they are without needing more than what is happening in the current. Isnt that what every mystic, ever, says? Nothing good can come from wanting things to be other than they are. If you are wise you are supposed to love this moment for all the good components the hell is building it up. And I guess I can do that.

But theres this voice in the background, this subtle dis-ease that the intensity of my pleasure might be taken as a sign by others to be something else. Some kind of hankering for a future I dont want to think about. I want my to entail yes and my to mean no, but I also understand that we have all gets so good at lying to each other, and to ourselves, that all of these things merely entail — and.

I don’t want to be pitted against people. I don’t want our happiness to be zero sum — the abundance of mine coming at the expense of yours. I want there to be some kind of prairie away from the obstruction all of other people’s ideas about how things should be where we can see that nothing is coming in the distance. And nothing is hiding, waiting to jump out.

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