The Definitive Ranking Of OG Beanie Babies

When thinking about toys from the ‘9 0s, Beanie Babies are probably one of the first things that come to mind, after Gak and Cabbage Patch dolls that got recalled for devouring a little girl’s mane. Beanie Babies were so popular that adults even got in on the game, persuasion themselves for some reason that these Korean children’s toys that expenditure like five pennies to induce could be worth millions of dollars someday. (< strong> Side mention : if you haven’t watched the photo of the world’s saddest couple dividing up their Beanie Babies in a divorce, stop what you’re doing and look at it right now .) I’d make fun of people for this, but I have like five Kylie Lip Kits so I can’t really mention shit. As a child, the Beanie Baby was the perfect accessory to your Lisa Frank folder/ Lunchbox/ Pocahontas knapsack lifestyle, and were basically information requirements for any playdate that you were hoping would go well. Kind of like delivering a condom on dates today. If things really taken away from, you’re emphatically going to want to have at least one Beanie Baby in your bag for a potential trade situation. But which Beanie Babies were best available? Well, there are a fuckload of them, but here is a higher-ranking of the top 10, from back in the days when a great big relate was how you could fit as many butterfly clips in your mane as the popular sixth tier girl on your bus.

10. Pinchers The Lobster

Okay Im sorry but what child would choose a lobster Beanie Baby? I feel like on the list of kid-friendly animals, lobster grades somewhere between an electric eel and one of those fish that has a light on its manager. Maybe Ty encountered and wanted to capitalize on the success of Sebastian, but I think we all know that Sebastian is the exception and not the rule. And likewise, isn’t he a crab? Just read Pinchers lyrics. None of the program activities rolled sound plea to a child. Oh cool, a doll that is fat, lazy, and pinches people. Sign me the fucking around. Pinchers would only reasonably come into your Beanie Baby collection if you were one of those freaks who was like, actually trying to collect Beanie Babies, or when your one uncle who doesnt have children made an try at delivering you a present.

9. Patti The Platypus

Okay pacified the fucking down, Patti. I dont have time to listen to you blabber on about bullshit all day. This was a stop and chat, but now youre all up in my grill telling me about how platypuses are the only mammals who lay eggs and Im like girl, youve told me this. Youve told me this several times. Im late for working on this because of you and your ridiculous mouth. Get your shit together. Kids who had this Beanie Baby “re the only one” who were desperate to stand out so instead of doing something refrigerate like developing a ability, they just started announcing odd shit like my favorite animal is the platypus! Please.

8. Humphrey The Camel

Wow. Okay, Humphrey. Maybe take some responsibility for yourself? If you dont want to live somewhere with so much sand, go on google, character in apartments NYC and get yourself a sublet. Its not my responsibility to get you out of your situation. You have to do that for yourself. Also, youre standing next to one of the literal wonders of the ancient world, so maybe is an attempt count your boons a bit. As live animals, camels are cooler than platypuses( I looked it up, its platypuses not platypi) but only barely. Theyre kind of like gross misshapen mares that spew on you and dont looking good on folders or pencil cartons or any of the other material youd put a mare on so like…whats the phase?

7. Cubbie The Bear

Umm excuse me? Wtf is this poem describing? What happened to Cubbie is not funny, its a serious medical emergency. Fourteen bees ?!? Cubbie is lucky he didnt go into anaphylactic collapse. Apart from his brush with extinction, Cubbie is just meh. Hes a suffer, but like not one of the cool special edition births that sit up straight-from-the-shoulder and have a little spot over their nerve. Hes just like…a regular old-fashioned suffer who lays on his stomach.( Though now that Ive read his horrific poem, Im thinking that maybe Cubbie doesnt sit up because his nerve was dampened after the bee attack, which is kind of sad .) Cubbie isnt even a cool coloring, hes only brown. A regular old-fashioned brown suffer that was stung by fourteen bees and has an extremely limited meat palate. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. Also, I fail to see how getting sting by a swarm of bees correlateds with devouring broccoli and cheesewhich is a part of a bear’s healthy diet, BTW. Cubbie, you’re gonna get sick, bro.

6. Spot The Dog

Spot is a dog. He likes to run. Its kind of his thing. As far as hounds proceed, being identified Spot and liking to run is as basic as it gets. Like, if Spot was a person his name would be Emily and his interests would include unicorn frappuccinos, Smartwater, and Michael Kors watches. Hed emphatically be wearing Lululemon leggings, a Northface, and Adidas Superstars right now, and his mane would be ombr. When you try to talk to Spot, hed mention things like Oh Em Gee !!! and is perpetually on a juice cleanse. We all know Spot. We all have a Spot in our friend groups. Some days, when the temptation to start a wed Pinterest develops too strong, we are Spot. Spot is like, fine, and a necessary addition to being able to any Beanie Baby pal group, but like, hes never going to be anybodys fave. The other Beanie Babies primarily only prevent him around so they dont have to feel bad when they low-key want to see the next Katherine Heigl movie that comes out( looks really good, yall ).

5. Chocolate The Moose

Chocolate. His favorite treat is chocolate. Thats the answer to the riddle. Takes a pretty high level of self-centeredness to have your favourite meat likewise be your name, and I respect that. While moose( again, I looked it upthe plural of moose is moose) are not inevitably the betchiest swine on the surface, upon extensive investigations they have some hidden betchy predilections, like getting wasted off fermented apples and running through city with Christmas suns on their manager. Chocolate is also one of the OG beanie babies, which establishes him a much hotter merchandise among Beanie Baby collectorswhich is apparently a group of people who still existso like, hes one of the wealthier members of the Beanie Baby pal group. Still, as far as I recall, moose was emphatically not at the top of any little girls animal friend wish list, so I doubt a lot of children were going straight-from-the-shoulder for Chocolate in the toy aisle. Hes more of a I already have all the cute Beanie Babies and now I want to branch out into smellier animals type of purchase.

4. Splash The Orca

Poor Splash. Sure, he had the distinction of came to see you in post- America, necessitating he was a necessary part of any respectable Beanie Baby collection, but now that weve all understand, we know that Splash was suffering. Like, sure he can do the 100 -yard dash, but does he want to? Is that a succes jumping hes doing, or an attempt to escape to the sea and search for his mother, who he was been stealing from at birth? Splash belongs in the ocean with the other orcas , not at the bottom of your doll chest trying to make smalltalk with a giraffe. And with everything that we now know about the horrendous the requirements under which Orcas are preserved, this photo is highly perturbing 😛 TAGEND

Still cute, tho.

3. Flash The Dolphin

I candidly cant dream a better time in the little girl-dolphin relationship than the early ‘9 0s. Weve got Lisa Frank to thank for that. As a 6-year-old, there were like two acceptable favorite animals, and dolphin was emphatically one of them. Dolphins had an astonishing PR campaign to marketplace themselves as cute, friendly animals, when in reality theyre just really horny. Dolphins are some of the only animals besides humans and bonobos that have sex for amusement, which heightens some serious doubts about how this dolphin got the name Flash. Like, I have a feeling its not related to velocity. Still , no true-blue offspring of the ‘9 0s would have stirred Flash a top priority for their collection, and her ability to be considered respectable while being a wardrobe monstrosity is something we should all admire.

2. Mystic The Unicorn

Mystic the unicorn was the central figure in most little girls Beanie Baby collectings. Like, if you did not have Mystic, you def cant sit with us. Mystic is also one of the only OG Beanie Babies “thats really not” a real swine( later theyd add like, specters and shit, but much like the Pokmon beyond 150, we do not recognize them as legitimate ). Theres really not much else to say about Mystic except that shes a unicorn, shes lovely, and after about two weeks of hanging out in the bottom of your knapsack her lily-white coating would turn a kind of smudge-y grey-headed and your mom would have to run her through the wash, at which point her horn would kind of never be the same. Bummer.

1. Princess Diana

There is no question in anyones mind that the Princess Diana Beanie Baby was basically the Lumee case of Beanie Babies. She was luxury, special edition, and only your friend with rich parents and serious Beanie Baby collectings had her. She was so special that, despite being a childrens doll, “shes not” to be played with. Nope. As soon as you bought this priceless heirloom, your parents would lodge her in one of those clear plastic Beanie Baby cartons and put her on a high shelf so no one dare fucking with her. And unlike literally every other member of the Beanie Baby household, she was actually a good investment. A couple in the UK sold their mint situation Diana for $100,000, means that a purple bear your parents likely sold at a yard sale in 2001 could have actually paid for your college. I guess I finally was aware that that Beanie Baby divorce couple was actually talking about.

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