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Im Not Depressed, But Im Not Happy Either

God & Man

I adore my job. I really like my friends. I really like my life. For the most part. I have issues with each of them, because I’m just human, but there isn’t anything major that requires readjustment.

Besides, I’m not as unhappy as I was once upon a time, so that I feel as I don’t have any reason to whine. I feel as I must be grateful for everything I have accomplished lately. I feel like complaining about where I am now could be ungracious.

After all, in contrast to where I had been in the past, things are going nicely for me. I am more mature. More successful. More confident. I’ve become a much better person.

Of course, there are still days when I struggle to climb out of bed. Days when I cancel plans because I can’t stomach the thought of leaving the home. Days when I want the rest of the planet to disappear so that I can have a chance to relax for a change.

Despite all that, I certainly don’t think I’m miserable.

Of course, I’m not happy either.

Whenever I laugh, it’s just for a second prior to the despair sets in again. It doesn’Regardless of if I fulfill my buddies and have the time of my entire life. It doesn’Regardless of if my individual gives me a goodnight kiss or if I have a detailed conversation with somebody I respect. At the present time, I’m enjoying it. However, as soon as it finishes, I’m back at square one. I’m back feeling bleh. Feeling fine. Feeling fine.

But fine isn’t good enough for me. Nice isn’t enough.

I don’t want to live a life that’s merely average, ordinary, mediocre.   I would like to live that excites me. A life I can say makes me joyful.

I don’t want to repay, just because I’ve finally gotten to a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let turn into my regular mood.

I don’t want to keep feeling like this — balancing between happy and sad.

Up until now, I’ve put up with , because I understand what it feels like to be miserable and this is indeed much better. This is a massive step up.

But that doesn’t mean it’s enough. That doesn’t mean that I must accept it. That doesn’t mean that I only deserve this and nothing more.

I would like to experience authentic happiness. I would like to get enthusiastic about waking up every morning and getting to perform. I would like to make plans with friends I’ll count the days down before. I would like to search for meaning. I would like to feel as though I have a purpose. I would like to live rather than simply existing.

I am not going to let be a part of my vocabulary. I am not planning to settle for an average life, because I can do better than that. I deserve more than that.

I deserve to be happy. And I will find a way to make that happen.  

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