Crisis

A Blast From The Past Could Be Headed Your Way, And Not The Fun Kind: Your Weekly Horoscopes

Mercury is like, “I’m Responsible for this week, motherfucker!”

I mean, I imagine that’s exactly what it’d say if planets can talk. Anyhow, that bitch is coming to a standstill right before she moves all retrograde on our ass. You are probably going to feel a little stuck this week in certain wayin a project, in a relationship, in a lifetime path. Mercury is also the David Blaine of the planets, meaning she is all about tips. Prepare for some absurd surprises or mix-ups weekly.

Aries

Aries betches have been in full-on vacation mode as we approach the end of summer. You are not one to let the party die before the bar closes. In reality, you’re typically the one making tips for the post-game festivities. The only thing killing your vibe this week is the feeling that the moment you accomplish a job, a whole new fucking job pops up. Like, can a bitch catch a break or what? Just stay on top of your own shit this week along with the celebration doesn’t need to stop.

Taurus

It’s a blast from the past this week, and not in like a fun 90s themed party where you and your friends dress up like the four original members of Destiny’s Child kind of fashion. Nope, not at all. This week, older flames or shitty friends you have ghosted somehow reappear on your lifetime. While all these individuals may be back on their old bullshit, it’s time for you to proceed to a new bullshit. Take this week as a time to pause and reevaluate your goals before moving on to bigger and better things.

Gemini

Like the Regina George of your buddy group, Mercury is the ruler. You are probably going to feel frustrated this week, like you’re walking through quicksand or some shit. Something important to you or something you have been working toward will feel as though it has essentially been placed on the back burner by everybody else. Um, it’s not your fault everybody else’s priorities are bullshit. It’s a good week to put your head down and tie up loose ends, finish projects and all that stuff, while you’re awaiting your come up.

Cancer

You are feeling sort of weird about your funds this week. Like, you’ve got cash, but you also seem to be spending a lot on end-of-summer earnings and all of the actions you have yet to cross off your seasonal bucket list. You likely have that weird feeling that you need to be paying a bill or something which simply haven’t. I mean, yeah, that feeling sucks but you’re probably all right from the finance section. Just don’t blow all of the money you’ve earned on something frivolous. With Mercury in retrograde on the horizon, it’s important that you have a little nest egg saved up if your car breaks down along with your pet eats your Frye boots right before collapse.

Leo

It always seems like Leo is a lucky betch no matter what’s going on with the other signs. You are the most resilient to Mercury’s bullshit. This week, the Sun and Mars are on your sign pumping you with electricity and making you attractive to others. Like, what’s new though? Anyhow, such as the Cancer women, you need to be watching your finances at the moment. When Mercury hits, it will likely hit you where it hurts the most: the (dad’s) wallet.

Virgo

So Mercury retrogrades in the sign, which is actually bad for you this time around, and hey, at least I’m giving you fair warning. The semi-good news is Mercury doesn’t retrograde for over a week, so just chill out before then. At the moment, you’re likely feeling very introspective and may or may not be smoking a great deal of weed. Despite the fact that you’re #enlightened at this time, it’s also a fantastic idea to use that clarity of thought to gain some more comprehension and recognition for your lifetime. It seems like everything kind of begins over from the fall, so this may be a good time to think of a strategy to hit the reset button in case you’re not happy with where you’re at in life right now.

Libra

Jupiter is in your sign and Venus is at the top of your graph; that mix is giving you all the good feels and vibes. You are probably feeling a little sexier than ordinary and seeking care from others. No matter what your own fuck buddy who buys you dinner sometimes boyfriend’s hint is, let’s just say he will be happier this week. Wink, wink. While everybody else is turning their wheels in doomsday preps for the forthcoming Mercury in retrograde, you really just need to be soaking up all of the attention and adoration that’s coming away.

Scorpio

Girl, just keep doing you this week along with many others will be so impressed. Like, your bare minimum will appear amazing to bosses and individuals in places of power. This is because a number of the other signs are essentially in slow movement, being held back by Mercury. Maybe not you. There’s no fucking up your game this week. You are efficient, educated and enchanting, but like, if you really not though? Anyhow, the only thing to look out for is someone needing to hash out yesteryear. Avoid that conversation and let bygones be bygones.

Sagittarius

You def need to take advantage of the rest of summer. Do not turn down opportunities to drink, party, travel, and generally cause a ruckus. It’s necessary for you right now to stay busy so that you keep your mind from turning over shit that doesn’t really matter. Additionally, you’re still in a period of time where your interests lie in travel, studying and having great conversations. Expect to encounter a randos from the past this week. Do not worry, however. It is going to be like, the awkward old elementary school teacher or people you sort of knew in high school type of encounternot like running into your ex or your own boss while you’re drunk.

Capricorn

Things are sort of intense and aggressive for you at this time, and when they are not, they soon will be if Mercury is in retrograde this month. During the upcoming few weeks, it’s important that you resolve as many problems as possible. Like, even in case you can’t get things to print from your computer at work, this is the opportunity to have an IT nerd come look at it instead of just putting it off indefinitely and forcing your coworker to print outside your concert tickets for you. The more small things you are able to address this week, the less of a shitty time you will have when Mercury actually retrogrades and shit really hits the fan.

Aquarius

You need more sleep at this time, because the sun is hiding on your sign. This is also a stressful period on your relationships, likely because you’re a total grump-ass when you’re exhausted. No one wishes to deal with that bullshit. There’s no point in escalating a situation at this time. I know it’s difficult, but work on keeping the bitching and moaning on the low so that your friends and loved ones don’t fall you like Trump fell Scaramucci. You will need all the good karma and positive vibes you can get when Mercury retrogrades mid-month.

Pisces

Pisces are filled with contradictions and are often tough to determine completely; that’s definitely true of you this week. Half of you’re down to celebration. The other half would like to cut out the bullshit and get things done. You want to cross all those to-dos off your list so that you can get to the fun component of things. Just like some of the other signs, blasts from you past are lurking around every corner. Just hit ignore as soon as an older hookup hits you with a “Hey, how’s it going?!” on Facebook Messenger. Like, ew. Are we in 10th grade? No. Do not fan these fires, they are out for a reason.  

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