1. If youre on your period and/ or havent shaved, dont even bother.
Your overwhelming menstrual aura and foot-long pubes are simply unappealing.
2. All senior chicks exes are off limits.
That dude who dated the Theta president twelve years ago? Yeah, OFF LIMITS( unless you want the bitch-slapping ghosts of sororities daughters past to haunt you for the rest of your days ).
3. Wait at least 24 hours to text him( and at least twice his response time to text back ).
Bitch, I will text you while youre still inside me if I like you like that. Aint nobody got the time or the algebra abilities for all this math, is a seducing response to this asinine regulation. Hold your tongue and crush those numbers, babe. Its an asinine world we live in.
4. NEVER confuse the proper label for your hookup.
There are a million terms that might describe your non-relationship: hooking up, exclusive, watching each other, dating, togethertheyre not dating but theyre a thing, like theyre not hooking up with other people. Whatever the appropriate terminology is a possibility, be SURE to never get it distorted. That could lead to you looking totally delusional!
5. If you want respect, you gotta make him wait.
Lets get real, ladies: your horniness is a sin. Yours is a worth determined exclusively by sexual currency. If you dedicate it up too quickly, he has every right to treat you like a slut!
6. Dont expect to hook up several nights in a row. You know that entails shits get.
You like having sex with him, you say? The feelings reciprocal, you say? Yeah, dont get your hopes up. Everyone knows that after three consecutive weekends of hooking up, youre officially a thing. And nobody wants to be a thing. Especially not him.
7. If you want a human, you better be girlfriend material.
Blow him with tireless vigor. Never ask him to return the favor. Do his laundry. Fake ur orgasms. DO NOT BE YOURSELF, BITCH.
8. Dont initiate weekday sex.
Weekday sex is like, more serious than weekend sexuality. I know, I know: youd think if he could give it to you hammered on a Saturday, he could work up the nerve to do it on a Wednesday, too. But apparently, in college, weekday sexuality inevitably leads to four children and a house in Connecticut. Beware.
9. Youre not allowed to get mad at him for hooking up with someone else unless youre fully dating.
I mean.obviously. Youd look totally like, unchill! Fuck your justifiable hurt feelings, babe. All that are important is that he gets his while you grin and bear it.
10. NEVER admit to liking a guy unless youve hooked up with him at least, like, 10 times.
Otherwise, term might get out that YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE PERSON YOURE FUCKING. AND THAT WOULD RUIN U.
11. Just like, dont hook up with younger dudes. Shit seems weird.
Sure, its perfectly normal for older dudes to hook up with younger girls. But if youre an older daughter looking to get after some fresh meat, you must be critically desperate.
12. Its your RESPONSIBILITY to be on the pill.
If youre sexually active and have a vagina, its your natural charge to be on the pill( etc .). Meanwhile, if your guy can excavate a Lifestyle condom from middle school outta his billfold, PRAISE HIM. Youve received yourself a goddamn knight.
13. Never wake up a one night stand.
For fear either of you may have to look your drunken decision in the eye.
14. If youre not dating him, definitely dont expect to go on any date-like things.
Unless you have a ring on that finger, dont foresee any morning-after breakfasts or formal invites. I entail, babe, cmon. DONT BE CRAZY.