What It’s Like To Eat Taco Bell’s Experimental Food

10/23/2017: Therefore, I’ll Probably Eat Taco Bell’s Chocolate Quesadilla …

By Luis Prada

Word about social networking circles is that Taco Bell might soon be releasing something called the Chocoladilla. While this may seem like a quesadilla filled with melted candy bar chunks, it’s actually an terror from the great beyond.

Taco Bell gets a great deal of flak for their weird food experiments. They crossbreed all sorts of bizarre things such as they’re mad HYDRA scientists trying to create a genetically superior food which will inevitably be struck by lightning and devour its founder by turning him inside out, stuffing him with a burrito, and wrapping him in a Dorito shell. But that is only if you are a “the cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast is half-empty” type of person. My Baja Blast is. Taco Bell interpretation of innovation should be commended for one reason above all: They’ve industrialized, some might even say weaponized, stoner food. Not even stoner food, because that’s a negative connotation. They’ve corporatized the culture of teenagers whipping up concoctions in their kitchens once they get home from school or when they’re tired and broke through the summertime.

The published Naked Egg breakfast taco is a testament to this ethos. Ahead of Taco Bell came eating a fried egg just like a taco shell in people would result in having dog catchers that are old-timey ensnare you using a large net. But now you can take action in the safe area of a Taco Bell, in which you could eat an egg which simultaneously has the consequences of Nickelodeon Gak and vulcanized rubber tires, and be free from judgment once you declare that it’s actually pretty damn great, even though you’re pretty certain you just ate a first-class ticket to Hell.

The same goes for the Quesalupa, the Naked Chicken Taco, the Doritos Locos tacos, Fritos Burritos, the Firecracker Burrito (which had Pop Rocks inside), and, of course, the Waffle Taco. Taco Bell is similar to Ocean’s 11. It was a fun film to see but you could tell it was fun to create. Their R&D department is a lot of people getting paid the big bucks like it’s an amusement park to treat food. Tell me this is not a fantasy job.

If it’s just not something but I understand. It’s not the flavors which need to be obtained. Looking back, it all started with the launch of this taco when some team of women and men forged a taco which has been the Schrodinger’s Cat of corrupted Tex-Mex: a soft taco and a hard taco simultaneously. It was a taco that existed in two states of taco matter. Science was bent by them and made a fortune. It’s still on their menu to this day.

If Taco Bell inadvertently causes the apocalypse when they cross the ethical border by putting a Doritos Loco taco in a Quesalupa, dousing it into Volcano sauce, then wrapping it in a deep-fried squid, and then the center melts down and wipes out two-thirds of the human population, you can return in time to kill the founder of this Double-Decker before they start Pandora’s box of yummy beefy horrors.

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