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What Its Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

No one will love you till you learn to love yourself is a simple enough phrase to believe is true. However, its frightening, particularly once you have depression. What if you never understand? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as a grownup. I was sure I’d never be able of being in a relationship, but I was quite wrong. Honestly, I do not enjoy myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I’ve dealt with depression for as long as I could recall. Ive been on and off medications, been to therapy, but its still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My melancholy doesnt care that I am in a relationship with a boy that makes me laugh, and tells me’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more profoundly for me personally than any other boy gets. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my arbitrary periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to ease me if I am suddenly uncomfortable if were out in people. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when Im having difficulty sleeping, and encourages me to eat once I don’t have any appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to describe myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months to this connection, Wow, someone is in love with me. I frequently think of how blessed I am to be loved, regardless of my defects in chemistry.

This intense love is frightening, because each day, I fear that yet another thing will push him over the edge. That yet another time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him off. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him during my salty, blurred vision that its not his fault. I am often overcome with remorse and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any annoyance on his part. Occasionally he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. A few of our nighttime wind in a tight hug and an Im sorry mumbled in my lips, but Im just thankful that he’s still happy to wake up to me each morning.

Each day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, moving back and forth between caring too much and not fond at all, wondering if he’ll have enough. He’s quick to remind me just how much he loves me, but I am just as fast to become overcome with crippling doubt. We both recognize that this is how eternally will be, and when he hasnt given up yet, Im sure he’s 100% all-in.

Never let anybody tell you that you are not worth being loved if you dont love yourself. Never let anybody tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a connection. Never let anybody tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more colour. Never let anybody makes you feel bad about what you cant always control.

Someone will be in love with you no matter your most comfy state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to some favorite sad songs, then you’ve discovered true love.

Featured picture – Bhumika Bhatia

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

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