Sometimes I wonder in the event that you ever cared at all. Occasionally your silence makes me believe that you never really cared and it was all an act.
I wonder once I know for sure you learned about my pain or my mom’s illness or my dad’s operation and you never attempted to call, you never attempted to ask how I’m doing, you never attempted to reach outside to determine if I had anything at this difficult time in my life. You were so absent. Thus far off when I needed you next to me.
I wonder when you see me doing well on the job and living my dream, do you really feel as if sending ‘I’m proud of you,’ & ‘you’do good? ’ A few words to relieve the agony of this journey that you knew so well. A few words to make me smile. Can it be so tough for you to say something, ?
You were constantly stingy with your actions but that I didn’t know you’re stingy with your words.
I wonder when you know that it’s my birthday and everyone I love is I want to know that they remember me, I’m on their minds, they wish they could celebrate with me, do you feel the same way? Can you look back and remember when we used to call each other at midnight and hang up 5 hours later?
I wonder when you’re alone at nighttime, rethinking everything just like you always do, evaluating your friends after a night out, researching every new person you meet to see if they’re real, do you believe of me? Can you appreciate how genuine and actual I was with you? Do you ever long for an additional conversation between us? Because they have been so easy and so simple and so raw. Can I even cross your mind as you think of other people?
I wonder — when you’re bored and moving through your mailing list, do you stop at my title? Can you type messages up and delete them? Can you feel a slight urge to simply dial my number simply to see what could occur? Can you wonder what it would be like when we started talking again? Sometimes I wonder in the event that you still have my number or if you deleted it since I never hear from you.
I wonder once I’m alone, staring at these empty walls, thinking of all the people who matter to me, thinking of all the people I miss, I gave you a lot. Why did I put you on such a pedestal? Why did I invest a lot in you?
Occasionally I wonder exactly what I saw from you. Why did I believe you’re really so particular? Perhaps I wonder since I still don’t understand why I did this to myself or perhaps I wonder since I still don’t understand why I let you do all this to me personally.
But sometimes, after all this questioning, I find myself remembering all the people who there for me, the individuals who made me smile, the people who stood by my side once I needed them. I remember how blessed I am to have such incredible people in my own life. I remember how much they love me and how they constantly figure out ways to let me know what I mean to them.