Its Time To Get Happy. Like Right Now.

I hope you do not head, but I’d love to talk actual with you to get a minute. I’m overwhelmed. Fifteen to twenty five hours of the work week is spent on the phone, discussing headlines and current events. Every casual conversation with family and friends eventually turns political. Twitter, which was my escape from all of that, has turned into a solid wall of apocalyptic news reports, followed by a dozen people playing Insult Tennis. I believe a large part of that is because the news, in general, has become the dirty guy on the corner, wearing a doomsday sandwich board and crying, “WE’RE ALL GONNA FUCKIN’ DIE!”

I have just had enough, you understand? As a service to myself (and hopefully at least some of you), then I’m taking a break from this horseshit-covered circus and turning my attention to a truly awesome, happy things. And if you have some you want to talk about, please, please, please do. God knows my sanity could make use of it.


Pandas Won’t Let A Woman Sweep Up Their Leaves

Part of me thinks this video ought to be accompanied by “Yakety Sax.” The other part says, “NO! You leave this perfect piece of artwork exactly as is! You do not piss in the mouth of Jesus!” The basic gist is that a woman walks in an enclosure full of pandas and tries to sweep up some leaves. When the pandas watch her broom and basket, they become excited toddlers. Big, fat, rolling, flopping toddlers — just flopping and rolling their fat little bodies all over her tools, eating the broom and climbing into the basket.

That is the gist, but what gets me laughing is how extended it goes on. That poor woman keeps attempting to round up them, but the moment she moves you, another takes its place. And just when she starts to make some semblance of progress … “Here comes the FAT, baby!” *Flop*

And they refuse to give up their toys, regardless of what:

Via YouTube

If this video was 30 hours long, I’d put it on a loop and then die from grin poisoning.


A Ceaseless River Of Ducks

The only thing I understand about this story is, “JESUS CHRIST! DUCKS! FUUUUUUUUCK!”

But that is really all you need to understand, since Jesus Christ. Ducks. Fuck. It is an infinite sea of quacking and waddling. They are holding up traffic. They are repaving the street in just the most adorable duck poop conceivable. They are weaving — nay, flowing — about cars like they own the highway. I mean, they could fly and they are still like, “Fuck you. We are a river of ducks, and we do whatever the hell we want. We’re waddling through your traffic. Get the FUCK out our way!”

Then, just like the line ends, and you think it’s over … JESUS CHRIST! MORE DUCKS! FUUUUUUUUCK!

Via YouTube


Someone Made A Gigantic Penis Out Of Live Sheep

I don’t quite understand how to put this into words, but I’m going to try. I’ve got three kids. On the afternoon each of them were born, I believed the following part of myself come alive … like I’d spent years, looking for missing pieces of an elaborate jigsaw puzzle and suddenly found them while cleaning off the couch. They taught me what life really meant. How valuable and valuable it is. You can not be a complete person without allowing someone else — a child, a romantic relationship, a friend — to fill in the gaps.

Hugh Beveridge’s sheep penis makes all of my children look like pieces of shit in comparison.


Toddler Plays Hide And Seek With A GoPro On His Head

This really is the cutest goddamn thing in the whole planet, and I will spin kick anyone who states differently. I do not care whether it’s Brock Fucking Lesnar. Say this is not the most adorable thing, ever, and you are getting a face full of John Cheese ft.

The best components, for me, are not when he is running through the home, frantically looking for his parents. It is when he stops in the hallway and starts scanning every room. You can inform his small brain is functioning, attempting to figure out the most probable hiding place, and even though you can not see his face, you simply know it’s crinkled up in chubby toddler attention:

But just when you think it can not get any cuter, their dog tracks the parents down to get him and gives away their hiding place. If you do not find yourself grinning ear to ear when he opens the closet and bursts out his small toddler laugh, then you have no soul. I’m speaking to you, Brock Lesnar.


T. Rex Snowball Fight

OK, so it’s been well recognized during my writing career that when it’s floppy, it is going to make me laugh. The floppier it’s, the more I lose it. That is likely why I make so many dick jokes.

I’m needing to do a little “I will take your word for it” concerning the owner of this video, since it’s been submitted on tons of websites. However, Nicole Fullmer asserts she was taking her down Christmas lights when she saw that epic struggle happening in her neighbor’s yard. As of this writing of this article, it has around 112,000 viewpoints, but when there’s a god, that number will get three or more zeroes tacked towards the end of it.

It is funny , seeing those two children (I’m presuming they are children) throwing snowballs at each other while dressed as tyrannosaurus rex. However, the thing that keeps making me laugh so hard is it’s quite hard to run while wearing these things. So after one of them flings a snowball, he runs off, waddling like a toddler and then flops over into the snow. Over and over and over again.

And I can not. Stop. Laughing. It is stupid. I am aware that it is. But I can not stop. If I had the ability, I’d hire those two people to come to my home and just do things while dressed in these costumes. House chores, house repairs, my taxes. It doesn’t matter. I just want those two folks hanging outside with me forever, dressed like big ol’ floppy t. rex.


Bulldozer Fight!

Since we can not see tyrannosaurus rex fight in real life, the next best thing are bulldozers … the t. rex of vehicles. Now, some folks may see that video and say, “But John, you can not be happy about that. Those people are not playing around. Those are actual real people in an authentic real fight with actual real bulldozers!” And to that, I toss up a high-five reception hands and say, “Hell yeah, they’re!”

No, seriously, they are not in a demolition derby or doing some promotional stunt. The guys driving those bulldozers are from two competing building companies, and they obviously missed the “Please do not struggle to the death with your bulldozer” section of their safety-training video.

Look, you can say, “That is dangerous and violent and mad” all you want. But to that, I say:

Via YouTube

It makes me happy, and that is the whole purpose of this article.


Ping Pong. Right In The Balls.

I’m not saying that a goddamn word about it. You saw it. Take my lead and see it again. And again. And again. And again. And again …

Here, allow me to put it into gif form, so you can loop it forever. You are welcome.

John Cheese is the head of columns to get Cracked. You can also find him on Twitter.

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