Diseases

5 Super Creepy Sex Plots In Novels Meant For Teens

Sex scenes from books tend to ick me out though I consider myself a individual. I like a fantastic makeout or the eyebrow-wiggling, curtain-blowing implication that two people are taking the express train to Pound Town, but as soon as anything becomes “engorged,” “moistened,” or “inserted,” I’m out. For this reason, books that are adolescent are generally a safe area for me to consume romances. But like locating a penis-shaped gummy there are a few exceptions.

Really fucking weird ones.

5

The Borderline-Incestual Assassin Nuns In Mortal Heart

Mortal Heart is the last publication in a New York Times bestselling YA series, His Honest Assassins, which will be all about nuns that are additionally assassins. They are not your grandpa’s average assassin nuns. They are nuns for knockoff Greek gods — especially the Dr. Thunder of death gods, Mortain. The handmaidens of death are supposed to be Mortain’s daughters, which makes it actual awkward in Mortal Heart when one of these starts hooking up with a man who’s obviously Mortain. “If I had a nickel,” right?

Since Mortal Heart was not the first book I ever read, if they released a character named Balthazar who’s super mysterious and leads a roving group of undead soldiers, I figured out he was Mortain in disguise pretty quickly. I assumed his look was a set up the main character, for Annith, to meet with with her daddy. He had appeared briefly to her sisters in the books. Then I was increasingly horrified as it became clear that Balthazar was both covertly her daddy and her love attention.

Plot twist: Annith is revealed to not actually be a girl of Mortain, which we find out about two pages before she does the horizontal hula with him. She is weirdly cool about finding out she had a little “Who is your Daddy?” With a man she grew up believing was in fact her Daddy. Her main concern is what her sister nun assassins will think, and it does make for a pretty awkward conversation. To sum it up: “Hey, girls! Awful news! We are not actually sisters. I understand. Sad face. The glass is half full, though, because I might get to be your stepmom! Fingers crossed!”

You can tell the author is aware of how creepy this unexplored Game Of Thrones angle is because she instantly has a character declare that “Love is never wrong.” And that seems pleasant about what happens in the novel without any context, but the moment you consider it for more than a minute, it’s something that you might read in a NAMBLA pamphlet. It needs just a couple more qualifiers. Something such as “Side note: Love between consenting adults, and preferably not adults that are the father figures as well as the gods of death, is never wrong.”

4

The Teenage-Hungry Gender Demons In Many Waters

A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L’Engle has been made to a brand new feature film, and that is simply excellent. But they better hope that it does not do well enough for more movies based on the book’s sequels, because that means we’d finally get an adaptation of Many Waters, and things will get actual awkward real quickly. Nearly all of Wrinkle In Time is pretty out there, but Many Waters is the only publication in the series with a whole bunch of demon sex.

The main characters are Sandy and Dennys (I can’t await the tie-in Denny’s Wrinkle In Time What The Fuck Is Happening Value Pancake Meal), who are very small characters in the previous books. They mess with their genius parents’ computer and wind up getting sent back in time into a world of angels, demons, unicorns, mini woolly mammoths, and a lot of topless women (for historical accuracy, of course).

Noah is building his ark around giving everybody side-eye, all while demons are getting everybody pregnant and angels are operating. If there were a Scholastic Book Award group for Most Mentions of “Rosy Breasts” At a YA Novel, this would win with a landslide. The back jacket reads like something written by E.L. James, and includes the term “sensuous invitations.” If you ever catch me strangling a person, it’s likely because they used a term such as “sensuous invitations.”

Demon sex is your killer Jaws shark of Many Waters. It lurking everywhere, and it’s terrifying, although you never see it. It’s mainly used to show that the world is tainted and God must drown everything to wash off in. There is a really disturbing scene where a young woman realizes she’s experienced sexual attraction for the first time after meeting Sandy, and a demon instantly appears (presumably wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and reeking of Drakkar Noir) to inform her that, “There are lots of pleasures ahead that you taste, and I would help you enjoy all of them.” Misery goblins butting into capitalize on your awareness of sexuality is pretty much what happens to adolescent girls during puberty. Since it’s too true this books icks me out.

3

The Horny Werewolves In Blood and Chocolate

Blood And Chocolate is a pretty standard pre-Twilight Twilight for werewolves. This time, the one being Twilighted is a boy. Every time a dreadful monster tricks you into falling in love with it, right being Twilighted is? Rush Limbaugh was able to Twilight four women. I’m using that term correctly, yes?

Anyhow, the main character is a female werewolf named Vivian who falls in love with a boy. Standard stuff for YA novels, which uses the story map of “Require a monster and earn a teen want to fuck it.” Blood and Chocolate follows this pattern for most of its story, with a push-pull between Vivian’s werewolf lifetime and her human boyfriend. But then it goes completely bonkers from the chapters. Vivian ends up stuck between her wolf and individual forms, until a man who her mother was trying to date leaves her so horny that she has to become a werewolf. I feel like I have sexually plagued Microsoft Word .

Here, allow me to let author Annette Crutis Klause to frighten it instead: She writhed against him. She wanted to bite at him, she wanted to rip the flesh but most of all, she didn’t need him to stop. Her back arched, her body shattered, she howled. If studying three paragraphs seems like an insurmountable task, the above passage basically said “That werewolf was, for example, suuuuuuper horny.”

This publication was popular in its own time. It even got it’s own film adaption, but apparently whoever chose to make the film read the book and said, “I’d like two things about this: It has werewolves and it is terrible. Scrap all other facets and let us make a totally different but equally dreadful movie.” Unfortunately, this scene never made it into the screen, as the possible love interest for both the mom and kid is treated as more of a villain in the film, and ends up being shot to death by Vivian rather than … god damn it. You know what? I refuse to write the words “horny werewolf” ever again. I’m retired from both “horny” and “werewolf.” It’s “amorous big dog people” for me from here on out.

Two

Falling In Love With Shapeshifting Horse Ghosts In The Awakening Of Sunshine Girl

Based on a favorite YouTube series, these books follow Sunshine a man who will see ghosts and let them move on into the afterlife. Awakening is the second book in the series, and the main plot focuses on Sunshine’s long-lost father teaching her how to use her phantom abilities. The romantic subplot focuses on Sunshine’s crush on her friend Nolan, who’s a human and not, because novels that are teen would opt for, the ghost of a shapeshifting horse.

Of course, things can’t be simple for her beau and Sunshine. They need to deal with a thing that’s been happening since Book One, whereby Sunshine rolls him, she feels physically ill. This is a for her. In Awakening, it’s revealed that this is because her daddy used his phantom magic to “restrict her ability to get anyone romantically.” Just curious, was there this a book, or a Sunshine Girl’s Dad Curses Her Vagina subplot from the YouTube series? In addition, it turns out that Sunshine’s daddy did a spooky from utero experiments on her behalf, which might have left her either the cause of an apocalypse or the only thing that can stop it. Pretty large coin throw there, DAD.

So Sunshine needs to be able to sacrifice her life if needed to prevent the world’s conclusion, and her daddy thought she would never be prepared to do that if she had an choice to hang out with a boyfriend. I like a ghost punching whenever she thinks about gender to Sunshine in the stomach, although the publication is vague on how magic works in the world.

1

A Teen Is Horny For The Uncle’s (Really Old) Boyfriend In Primavera

This book manages to accomplish the difficult task of being screwed up than its source material, the myth of Persephone, which will be a traditional love story that starts with a kidnapping. The fantasy was adapted into whatever the hell this is by Francesca Lisa Block, that was a super prolific YA novelist in the ’90s. Everything she writes is really poetic and comprises a troubled love, but the love isn’t typically between her uncle’s boyfriend and a woman.

The catalyst for the travel of Primavera is that she is in love with her uncle’s longtime partner, Paul, that helped boost her. She ends up traveling into the city where her parents grew up, and leaving her family because she is so obsessed with Paul. Primavera is the sequel to Ecstasia, where we followed her parents since they escaped the same city Primavera is traveling to. But, you understand, “Screw you, Mom and Dad! Whatever dictatorship I need can be visited by me! And that I ‘M NOT joining the football team!”

I kind of expected we were going to leave the Paul subplot behind, but nope, when Primavera leaves her home! We check back in with Paul at the homestead, and he shows that he’s also drawn to Primavera. Especially, he states: “You grew and I was astonished at your beauty. I was almost frightened by it at times. I didn’t need you to come too close. I’ve never felt for women such as this, but once I saw you calling up the sunflowers, I felt my heart beat as it does for Rafe [his boyfriend].”

Incidentally, that paragraph also begins with “When you were a baby, I almost felt like you were my own.” Thank god we’re only related with my relationship with your relative girl. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Waiter, can you choose this plotline away. There’s far too much Ugh, Please, Anything But Fucking This in my soup. Primavera thank god and ends up returning home with a boyfriend who’s suitably not her uncle’s spouse, has an experience. However, the catalyst for this journey is odd, it stuck with me. It’s like because he needed to get away from his raging boner for Aunt Petunia if Harry Potter moved to Hogwarts.

You can follow Lydia on Twitter.

Make an effort not to fall to passionate, sensual love with this ghost horse.

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