We needed to settle with the fact that a large orange Gremlin that someone fed too much Fox News and Diet Coke became president. We also came to the understanding that like, 75% of guys think it’so cool to rub on your shoulders or have lengthy convos about dicks with you at work. We felt a shiver of hope when black girls literally rescued Alabama. Then instantly fell down a dark hole of sad when net neutrality expired.
Regardless, though, of the news both good and bad, we had been confronted with an alarming number of meals trends this season. Some were okay (I see you, queso everything) but a few were fucking dumb. Let us now reflect on these, our dreadful food trends of 2017.
1. Burgers That Are Not Burgers
“Oh, I truly need a hamburger, but not like, a hamburger. ” Oh I totally understand what you mean, 2017. Allow me to fetch you a hamburger on a avocado bun, or a hamburger made of sushi, or a hamburger made of ground-up legumes and beets. If you want a hamburger, eat a fucking hamburger. It stops being a hamburger when you get rid of just one of the two main ingredients–hamburger and bun. If I see my medium rare steak beans sitting on a “bun” of avocado, then I will tell you to go fuck yourself. I then’ll find a bun, sandwich that shit together, and appreciate it how it was designed to be appreciated.
2. Activated Charcoal
If you love eating the ingredients of a face mask, this trend is for you. For some reason, activated charcoal had a minute this season–we suppose pushed by doctors who concluded that too many folks would try to drown their sorrow in alcohol this season and had a way to soak up the toxin. The cool thing is that turns out black, but the not cool thing is that it makes birth control less effective, which we essentially should reside.
I understand you love your matcha soy latte and your matcha hot chocolate along with your matcha colored hair and your matcha fitting socks, but fuck off. Do you understand what matcha actually is? It’s a type of green tea that blah blah can help increase your memory and improve cholesterol, but to the majority people, it was a weirdly sweet, chalky tasting substance that made us seem cool at Starbucks. Hard pass.
4. Unicorn And Mermaid Shit
Apparently, 2017 turned into a 12-year-old woman and everything needed to embody a nightmare starring Lisa Frank and pastel Care Bears. That horror bled into our coffee this season, and I for one hope never to see it again. My hatred also applies to the differently named–but same notion–Mermaid anything. If you crave artificial coloring, absence of taste, and sugar, this is what occurs. This is exactly why we can’t even have nice things.
5. The Immediate Pot
This year, we were confronted with what could happen if we fed meth to our slow cookers. The answer was that the instantaneous pot, and I think everyone over at Bon Appétit and Food & Wine together jizzed themselves within the sponsorship dollars that poured in when they declared this the biggest culinary wonder of 2017. Might it be cool to cook eight distinct items in 1 vessel? Yah. Might it be cool after a week when all I need is a few spaghetti and Rao’s? Not really. You will use this after, exactly like the wine aerator you had been spurred to purchase in 1998 and also the spiralizer you scraped dollars collectively for in 2009.
6. Fucking Stupid Oreo Flavors
You understand what ISN’T necessary? Improving on something that literally already makes a billion dollars (I assume) per year. Might it be good to expand a little and see what you can convince dumb Americans to purchase? Yah, totally. But branching into tastes like FRUITY PEBBLES and COCONUT CRÈME or perhaps fucking JELLY DOUGHNUT are 100% unnecessary and also an insult to the very men and women who inhale temptations of these chocolatey godsends nightly to take the pain out of everyday life. Leave me my dignity, Nabisco.
“I LOVE SHITTY PALE BROCCOLI,” said nobody. Can we collectively come to an arrangement that cauliflower rice, potatoes, pasta, pizza, coffee, chocolate, hope–whatever–needs to stop? I love carbs, and I know you do, too. There’s no reason to pretend you’re enjoying a big bowl of smooshed and sculpted wet vegetable thing within the fettuccini Alfredo you actually desired. And should you’re insane enough to actually make a time-consuming cauliflower pizza, then you should be committed.
8. Cloud Eggs
Remember this shit? It popped up about January/February of the calendar year, and it’s equally as dumb now, nearly 11 months later. Cloud eggs are what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands opt to conquer and garnish the whites of an egg without even disturbing the yolk. Do you understand how time consuming this is? Are you aware just how not impressive it tastes? Picture an unsweetened meringue with an over simple yolk in the center. I’ll take my avocado toast elsewhere.
9. Ube And Other Purple Shit
If you missed the purple trend, it’s okay because I moved my way through a lot of it. This purple yam from tropical areas of Asia was utilized in desserts all within my Instagram feed. I won’t be sorry to see purple shit go, though Pantone appears to have a different opinion. Sidebar: the colour of the year sucks. Nobody likes purple.
This one came and went in a flash–and for good fucking reason. It’s precisely what it sounds like–a latte served in a fucking avocado. STOP. Place my coffee in and around my mouth and stop attempting to unite breakfast trends.